This week we have guest bloggers Maxine & Edwin of 'The Romance Guide'. We asked for their opinion both from a male and a females perspective on the use of love toys in a relationship - this is how they tackled the question that so many couples have faced…
He Said…
Ah, toys in the bedroom… where to begin?
Well, I’d love to tell you that back when I was a young adult just starting my sexual journey I was comfortable using toys in the bedroom… but that wasn’t the case. I would also like to tell you that in my early 30s I miraculously got over all of my hang-ups and introduced toys into my sexcapades… but nope, that didn’t happen either. The truth is, it took me until recently to get truly comfortable using toys with my partner. A proverbial switch had flipped but it didn’t happen overnight.
I met my beautiful partner almost three years ago. Early on I knew that she was a sexual being and that we were a good fit. I also realised that she loves it when I take the lead in most areas of our relationship, and the bedroom was no different. Now, the sex we have is great and I want to keep it that way. What I don’t want is “toasted cheese sandwich sex”. A toasted cheese sandwich will hit the spot every once in a while, but I don’t want it every day.
At the beginning of our relationship, my partner mentioned that she had a “friend” under the bed for those lonely nights when I wasn’t around, which I thought was a bit of a turn on. It was around this time that I started thinking about adding some toy-play into our “adventures” but I found myself a bit unsure of how to proceed. Now, let’s be clear on something: I never really had a problem with the idea of toys per se; it’s not like I had any deep seated issues about this kind of stuff. The truth was that my knowledge around using them properly was dubious, at best. And yes, I have seen “movies” before, but that kind of knowledge without experience won’t get you very far when you decide to bust out a vibrator for the first time. I realize that all women are different and what works for one won’t work for another, so I decided to keep it simple and steer clear of toys. I guess what it really came down to was that I didn’t want my partner to know that I didn’t know what I was doing. Every time a discussion about using toys would come up I would get uncomfortable, but I knew I would have to figure out some way to change. I knew I would have to break out of the head space I was in if I wanted our sex life to continue growing.
So, in my quest to change, I decided to take the bull by the horns and buy a vibrator for my girl as a gift. My thinking was that if I bought the thing that I’d be more comfortable with busting it out during sex and that somehow I’d turn into this vibrator wielding sex god. Yeah… not so much. What it did do though was help raise my confidence a bit more, which was a step in the right direction. Shortly thereafter, my partner and I played a sex game, which we really enjoyed. It was around this time that we started communicating more freely about not just the game and toys, but sex in general. And that’s when it all shifted for me. I was able to let go of the limiting beliefs I had around toys in the bedroom and our sex life has never been better.
So, if there’s one thing that I hope you take away from this, it’s that of the importance of communication. I want you to be so very unlike me and not be embarrassed to talk to your partner about this stuff. Don’t let your insecurities or hang-ups get in the way or you may just miss out on something special between the two of you. There’s so much fun to be had; another world to explore.
The Happy Rabbit
She Said…
I’m gonna let you in on a little secret...I love having sex with my man. I love how we create our own little world of sensuality and openness, where we explore each other’s bodies and minds.
Part of that exploration has involved introducing toys and games into our repertoire. I am a very sexual person and, as I was single for quite some time before I met my man, I had a vibrator to help satisfy my needs. So, from the time that our relationship became sexual, he was aware that I had a “friend” to help me out when he wasn’t around. And whilst it wasn’t a deliberate strategy to get him comfortable with the idea of using a toy when were together, I believe talking about it built up a level of familiarity and made it easier to move into “toy play”.
As with anything in a relationship, the introduction of toys into our bedroom play was all about communication. Ironically, we didn’t have a specific conversation prior to the first time using one together. Looking back, I wish we had had that conversation because I think it could’ve waylaid his concerns sooner. Taking the time to talk about how we will use it, what it means to him and what it does for me etc., would have allowed the two of us to get clarity on our needs and desires. It would have also allowed me to convey that it was not about replacing him or anything remotely close to that (like I said…I am a big fan of him & his “manhood”), it was about enhancing sexual pleasure…for the both of us. We’ve certainly talked about these aspects of toy play (and more) since and the great thing is that he has discovered that they can be fun and stimulating for him too.
It’s interesting, you know, that after talking with my girlfriends I’ve discovered, generally, it’s the woman who initiates the exploration in the bedroom. It is once that door has been opened that he gets creative and is open to delving further into the depths of sexual discovery with her. I believe that this is attributed to the primal & innate hardwiring in the male brain, which dates back to caveman days, to protect his woman. Given that as women, we are at our most vulnerable in the bedroom, it makes sense that men leave it up to us to open up the sexual space at our own pace.
On the flip side, a large vibrator with its proud phallic appearance can be quite intimidating for a man. I’m sure thoughts like “Why does she want that?”, “Am not enough for her?” & “What am I doing wrong?” have passed through many a man’s mind when it comes to vibrator play. As such, I decided that it would be my man’s decision when to introduce my toy to our play. Just as I want to feel a certain level of comfort in the bedroom, even when my boundaries are being pushed, my man deserves that same respect.
So, as you can see, the ebb and flow of the ever evolving dance between our needs, wants & desires in our relationship does not preclude the bedroom. There isn’t a “one size fits all” approach for this situation, nor is it black & white, but many “shades of grey”….
